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The Long Road Home

This Morning I awoke and, after saying my prayers, poured myself a cup of coffee. I walked outside to the back of the house and saw wildflowers all around. Blue jays were calling to one another from apple trees red and pink with blossoms, and on the clover in front of me, glistening and shining in the sunlight, were dewdrops reflecting soft colors of light.

Plush green mountains rose all around me and butterflies flew off into a meadow to my left. A hummingbird buzzed. With a gentle breeze on my face, I looked up to my Higher Power and felt very thankful that I have been given such a gift.

I attended my first Alcoholics Anonymous meeting 13 years ago. And as much as my life has changed, I don’t ever want to forget how I used to feel. I can remember being so lost, alone and needy; the despair of being controlled by people, places and things. I could find an excuse for everything and anything, my self-esteem was at an all-time low and the bottle had become my only friend.

I couldn’t stop drinking. I might put the bottle down and dry out for a few days, but I would find and excuse to drink again and it would always get worse. I tried controlling my drinking, drinking only beer, taking a trip, everything the AA book describes. I even sought help through doctors.

I can remember the night I was introduced to the Alcoholics Anonymous program. At around 3 a.m. I was sitting in a restaurant after drinking myself into a blackout. Some people nearby were having coffee after an AA party; they had been watching me for some time. One of them came over. “You look like you need to talk to someone,” I heard a mans voice say.

I had been thinking about suicide and God knew I was serious. The man sat down at my table and started to talk to me. He said that he had found a way to stop drinking and it had worked for him for three years. He told me about the AA club not far from the restaurant. If I would follow him in my car, we could go to a meeting together.

I remember sitting in my car outside the meeting. I knew that if I walked through the door I would be admitting to myself that there was a way to live sober and that there was help for me. Now looking for help and finding a way to help myself are two different things. I sat there so afraid and confused. It took all that I had inside me to open the car door and step out to walk toward the meeting, and sobriety.

Inside, I remember a man of my age standing at a podium and sharing. His eyes were clear, his clothing clean and when he laughed, the people in the meeting laughed with him. Nothing had been fun for me, for a very long time. And the laughter I heard and the freedom I felt at that meeting that morning, was very real. Real enough to attract me to the AA program that morning so long ago.

The beginning of living my life sober wasn’t easy. At six months sober I gave birth to my son and chose to give him up for adoption so that he would have a stable home and family. I began to learn it was OK to feel, to cry. I wasn’t alone anymore; the people in the program understood and cared.

Two years into my recovery I hit an emotional bottom. I had to come to terms with my disease, to stop playing games and start working the 12 steps. I had to look at some real truths about myself and work on change. I chose a sponsor who had 13 years of recovery and a lot of patience, and began working on step one, and then step two, one step at a time.

I remember one night I was repeating my thoughts over and over about an issue that had been bothering me for some time. My sponsor put his hands firmly on my shoulders and shook me to get my attention. Then he said, “You will butt your head against that brick wall until you go through it, won’t you?” I told him, “It’s my brick wall.” Today I take action to find solutions, to be able to do the footwork to go around the wall. Change has become exciting and challenging.

In my eighth year of recovery, I was talking with a good friend about how someday I was going to move back to Seattle, where I was born. It was a move I had been talking about for seven years. My friend must have been tired of hearing about my dream; he simply said, “It seems to me that if you wanted to be there you would be there by now.” He was right. I gave all that I owned materially to the Salvation Army and friends, packed three suitcases, bought a train ticket, and moved from California to Seattle, where I knew no one anymore.

I got involved with Alcoholics Anonymous meetings right away and I was blessed with a support group of many friends. I bought a car, found a small apartment and got a job. The move turned out to be a wonderful experience for me.

In my 10th year of recovery I felt it was time to take a step of faith, to put my life truly in my Higher Power’s hands, trust his will for me and trust my courage to carry it out. I wanted to go to places I had never been before and meet people I had never met. So I chose to do some traveling. I again gave away all that I owned and bought a train ticket.

I have lived in several states since I left Washington, and have gotten to know many wonderful people in the Alcoholics Anonymous program. My Higher Power has taken very good care of me; all my needs have always been met.

Since moving to Oregon, where I’ve returned to school, my Higher Power has opened many doors. On the second night I was here I called the AA help line; I didn’t know anyone, or where to look for a meeting. A woman called me back: “Can you be ready in about 10 minutes? I’m going to a meeting. I’ll pick you up.” Donna V. And I had so much to tell each other that night; she seemed to be so wise in her sobriety. About two weeks later she became my sponsor and has really been a blessing in my life.

I was asked the other day how I stay sober. I use the tools that the old-timers gave me; read the book, go to meetings, work the 12 steps, listen to learn and learn to listen. I work with others when needed, and I share my hope.

If I could only give to the newcomer what I have found in these 13 years, the freedom, courage, strength, self-esteem and much, much more. I would give it gladly and freely, as it was given to me.

I chose to go forward in life clean and sober simply because I have learned that I don’t have to take the first drink. I don’t drink; I don’t get drunk!

As I stood in the sunlight this morning, I felt so beautifully blessed to be so aware of who I am and all I have been truly given. I am just a simple drink, staying sober one day at a time, and I feel so very loved. I am very happy in my recovery, and I am living the promises. I have had some hardships and made many mistakes in the years that I have been sober but, through it all, I have learned a lot about myself and living life on life’s terms.

Today I have the laughter and the freedom that attracted me to the Alcoholics Anonymous program in the beginning, My eyes are clear, my clothing clean, and when I share from the podium at meetings, the people laugh with me, and life has become fun. I am the person I have always wanted to be.

I am no longer the lost, lonely, needy person I used to be. My despair is gone and I am equal to everyone. I am responsible for my actions and situations. I am no longer afraid, or controlled by people, places and things. I am so very thankful that my Higher Power has always been there for me, working through people.