“OH MY COD”
After being struck down by the disease of alcoholism, the state took my children away from me. I could not look around and see their belongings in the house, so I just walked out of the apartment, totally alone for the first time in my life, at age 36, and started to live in my car for 6 weeks. One night in a bar, that I was still allowed in, I had no money to drink with and no money to get into a pool game to play for drinks and I needed alcohol, by this time, every 30-40 minutes, as the withdrawal was so bad. Well, it seemed like a good idea at the time, in the frame of mind I was in, so I sold the car in the bar for $35.00 to get into the pool game. Well, that night I did not win the game and I had sold my home I was living in (the car), so that started the next l8 months living on the streets of New Bedford, Massachusetts.
I had nothing but the clothes on my back and began to panhandle in the streets with 8 other street drunks and druggies just to get $2.00 for a quart of Wild Irish Rose...yep ....I had become a wino, in fact, I would drink anything I could get my hands on. I bummed money in the streets all day long for quart after quart of wine and was beginning to go to jail on a regular basis for disturbing the peace and drunken behavior in public places and fighting in bars, and I don't know how to fight, but when ya have that liquid courage in ya, ya think that you are KING KONG. And i got the shit knocked out of me everytime I got into a fight lol.
Out of the 8 of us, there were only 2 of us that were thoroughbred alkies, me and another guy, and he and I use to start begging nickels, dimes, quarters in the downtown streets at around 6 in the morning because Biltmore's Package Store right across the street, opened at 7 am, one hour later, and we had to have that first quart of Wild Irish Rose. That's how I lived all day...bum around, beg for money, didn't wash anymore, and quart after quart of wine, all day long. The only interruption of that was as I said before when I had an occasional visit to the city jail, and the cops that arrested me were the cops I used to drink with. This whole shabang went on everyday for months and the warmer weather had arrived.
This one particular morning, as we were stemming in the streets, there was a little breakfast place right next door to the package store, and this man came out of there this particular morning. He walked over to me and said, ya know you don't belong here with these people and if you ever want help to stop drinking, please call me. He handed me a piece of paper with his name and phone number on it and for some strange reason I kept that piece of paper and put it in my empty pocketbook.
Over the next few months, I called this man, Roger P., during the night as I walked the streets, needing a drink so bad, and he would come out of his house and take me for a coffee, and the last thing in the world I wanted was a cup of coffee. He also took many days off from work to try to l2 step me and get me to go to a detox, but I kept trying to drag him into bars and talk him into buying me some drinks, which didn't work. Well, this one day when Roger had taken the day off once again to help me, I was just so impossible and not wanting to listen to anything he had to say about AA or detox , but yet he knew and I knew that I really wanted to die. I couldn't stop drinking and they would not allow me to see my kids. I didn't even know where the state had placed them and my kids wanted nothing more to do with me anyway. So Roger says to me one day, Dorrie, I don't know if you are one of the ones that are constitutionally incapable of being honest...I don't know if you are hopeless. But I want to take you to meet someone and maybe that can help. I said ok, as I had no better idea and nothing better to do that day than to get drunk again. So we drove a few towns over to Dartmouth, Mass. and down into the woods, where there was a little chapel and a little convent. It was a convent of Carmelite Nuns, a very cloistered order of nuns, who almost never see the public, and their whole lives are devoted to prayer. So Roger was their groundskeeper and was taking me to meet Mother Maria, the Mother Superior of the 7 little nuns that lived there. You were not allowed to see any of the nuns so getting an audience with Mother Maria was quite special. She had agreed to meet with me at Roger's request. Boy I didn't know what I was in for.
I was seated in a room by myself, all dirty from being in the same clothes everyday and there was a picture window with a closed curtain which was on the wall that opened into another room when the curtain was opened. Well, when the curtain opened, there sat Mother Maria, in her beautiful , starched, white habit, and she was young and as we talked we discovered that we were both 37 years old. In between the two rooms, under the window, was a little push through drawer, like that at a drive in bank. I sat there crying my eyes out to Mother Maria about losing my children and wanting to die and not being able to stop drinking and was filled with shame, guilt and disgust with myself. Here she looked so nice and clean and I couldn't even understand why she would even talk to me or want me there. But she was so kind and was always saying "Bless you my Child, you are going to be alright"!...i said to myself, yeah, right, this one doesn't even know what she is talking about...there is no way i'm ever gonna be alright. Well, the more we talked the more I learned about this order of little 7 nuns. I found out that they could only talk to each other 2 hours a day, an hour after lunch and an hour after supper, and I said to her..."Boy, how do "you guys" stand that, with nobody talking to each other all day and then i quickly apologized for calling them "you guys". She just laughed as she knew that I wasn't trying to be insulting, it was just my way of talking. I also learned that they could only eat fish and vegetables...hmmmmm....i thought....I could bring them some fish from all the fishermen that went into the bars that i was still allowed into cuz the fishermen were very generous with people, giving them fish, cigarettes and buying drinks for them when they would come in off a fishing trip. So I asked Mother Maria if they would pray for me to stop drinking and I told her I would bring them some codfish. In my mind, I thought I had to bring them something so they would pray for me...i later found out after I got sober and seeing Mother Maria again that they would have prayed for me anyway, even if I had not brought them any fish.
So this became a weekly ritual. And all the fishermen in the bars would give me l4 lb. boxes of filleted fish to bring to the nuns and I'd call Mother Maria and ask if I could come over to talk with her and that I had some fish for them. She always said yes and always had time for me. Nobody else was talking to me and I couldn't cry living in the streets cuz the other street drunk smashed my face one day when i was crying over losing my kids and he said, "you wanna hang with us, you don't cry". So I learned to hold all my tears in...I learned not to cry and my heart was broken over losing my kids and I didn't want to live...but I guess there was a part of me that still wanted to live as I did want the nuns to continue to pray for me. Well, I use to go over to the convent every week and they kept praying for me and I kept drinking. Also, the nuns used to make different holy articles and they also had rosaries that had been blessed by the Pope in Rome. So I asked Mother Maria, everytime I brought them the fish, if I could have a rosary to give to the particular fishermen that had given me the fish that day, so they could put the rosary on their boat for a safe return. Mother Maria would put the rosary in the little drawer between the rooms, and slide it thru to me. Then I'd get back to the bar and give the rosary to one of the fishermen who had given me the fish for him to put on his fishing boat so they would always have a safe return and I would tell Mother Maria what I was doing with all these rosaries, so everytime I brought the fish, she would give me another rosary, and I would give it to the fisherman for their boat.,...over and over this went on ...and the nuns kept praying and I kept drinking.
Well, this one morning, I was feeling particularly sad and down about my children and my whole rotten, stinking life and so I called Mother Maria, because she allowed me to cry with her and always made time for me. But I still thought I'd better bring them the fish or they would stop praying for me. So I say to her this one morning that I had some fish for them and she said, oh Bless youDorrie, you are a wonderful Child of God...and I just felt so ashamed and rotten and the self-loathing I had was unbearable. But I had to get a drink first cuz i was shakin bad and needed to get that fix and then go hunt down some fishermen in the bars and get the box of fish for the nuns and take it over to them. She said she would be waiting for me....but I couldn't find any fishermen in the bar that morning. I went from bar to bar with no luck...and I panicked...I thought that they were for sure gonna stop praying for me now if I didn't get the codfish over there for them. Well, no luck in the barrooms...so...
I then went walking down to the docks where all the fishing boats pulled in and there was one boat that had just pulled in and Mario was unloading the fish...so I said to him "Mario, I need some fish for the nuns."...He told me that they just pulled in and there were no fish filleted yet so he couldn't give me any. Well, I wasn't about to take no for an answer so I started yelling at him and all kinds of people are looking at me and I kept demanding the fish and Mario was getting pretty sick of me. He was swearing at me in Portguese...i did learn some barroom Portuguese...so I knew he was really ticked off at me... He then said, just to shut me up , "just wait right there, Dorrie"...so he went into the fish house and came out with 2 of the biggest codfish i've ever seen in my life. I'm 5 ft. 2 in. and the fish were as big as me...and he brought out two whole fish...big big big fish with the hooks still in their mouths that he was carrying them by. He handed me the two fish and I said, "what the hell am I supposed to do with these" and he said "take them down to the bar and have Manny fillet them"...i thought..hmmm..that's a good idea...soooo...and this was about 1 in the afternoon and I had called Mother Maria about 9 that morning, so I started to walk way back down to the bar in the south end of the city, dragging the 2 codfish by the things in their mouths. I just had to get the fish to the nuns because i had promised and if I didn't they might stop praying for me...and by all this time trying to get the fish I was shaking like a leaf, needing a drink so bad, that only another alkie knows how that feels.
Well, I get to the bar, and lo and behold the joint was full of fishermen and they were buying drinks for everybody. They had just pulled in and were ready for a good time and i needed a drink bad...so there was a side of the bar that was a little restaurant and so it was empty cuz everyone was drinking at the bar. So i dragged the 2 fish into the restaurant side and put the fish into a booth, 1 fish on each side of the table...sheeeeesh they were heavy...and big as me if not bigger..and then I went over to the bar side and proceeded to get drinks bought for me all day long...it was great...and then about 2 in the morning, Julia, the owner of the bar, screamed at me, Dorrie get those GD fish out of here, they are stinking up the place. And then it dawned on me, OMG, I had broken my word to Mother Maria and didn't bring the fish and they would stop praying for me and she would never talk to me again.
Well, I got this brilliant idea and dragged the 2 fish out of the bar and dragged them along the sidewalk up to the highway and started to hitchike so I could get to Dartmouth where the nuns were, and bring them their fish. And somebody was sicker than me, cuz I got a ride, fish and all.
Well, as I said, this little convent was out in the woods and it was very dark, so I started hammering on the door and yelling for some nun to answer the door so I could give them these 2 big codfish...little did I know at the time that the nuns were terrified inside the convent and they had an emergency phone and they called, Roger, their groundskeeper, who had originally brought me to the nuns for help....and he said to them....calm down and look out the window...it's probably just Dorrie....and sure enough,,,it was Dorrie alright...but the nuns didn't let me in that night... So, just to make sure they knew that I didn't break my word to them and so they would keep praying for me, I laid the 2 codfish on their lawn....and then hitchiked back to New Bedford...I had no concept of time...didn't even care that it was about 3 in the morning when I was terrorizing these poor nuns who live a life of total silence and prayer. Well, they kept praying for me and I kept drinking for about 4 more weeks and then the miracle happened for me when I allowed the Grace of God into my life and that was on July 14, 1981. I got the courage to go to detox while watching a circle of crippled children in the park where I slept, who were in wheelchairs, on a summer outing, and those kids were the instrument that my God used to work thru to do His work and get me sober...I haven't found it necessary to pick up a drink since that day as I walked downtown and took a bus and went to detox and then a l/2 way house.
When I was a year sober, I went back to see Mother Maria and as I sat in the little room alone, as I had so many times before, the curtain opened, and there she was again in her beautiful, starched, white habit, and there I was, 1 year sober, with clean clothes on and clean hair and burst out crying when I saw her. She was crying too when she saw me and told me I was so beautiful. She then said to me, "you know, Dorrie, we knew you were going to be alright all the time..." and I said "you knew I was going to be alright ? How could you think that, when I just kept drinking no matter how much you prayed for me?" She looked at me and just smiled and said "because of the faith you had in the rosary". I said, "Faith? What faith? " She said, "Dorrie, you never kept one of those rosaries for yourself,...you always gave them to the fisherman who gave you the fish for us and you believed that the rosary on their boat would help them have a safe return....you had undying faith in the rosary"....and I just sat there speechless...and began to cry again... And then Mother Maria reached into her pocket and put a white rosary that had been blessed by the Pope, in the little drawer, and pushed it thru to me, and said, "Dorrie, this rosary is for you to keep for yourself. You don't have to give this one away to anyone." And I still carry that rosary on me today....I never let go of it...
And by the way, while I was there, I did certainly make amends to Mother Maria and told her to tell the other 6 little nuns how sorry I was that I had scared the living chit out of them the time I came in the middle of the night with the 2 big codfish.