My Recovery Story
By Lin- June 2003
I grew up in a family where alcoholism was everywhere. I had one sister and two brothers. Although my dad owned his own business, he was an alcoholic. My mom stayed at home and drank. The memories of my childhood include way too much fighting and yelling. It includes parents throwing objects or hitting the other until they bring blood. My sister and I would often take our pillows and blanket and sleep in the floor of the closet with the door closed to try to drown out the yelling in the next room. We never knew what would set him off on us…the yard needed to be mowed differently, the house needed to be cleaner, the supper needed to be ready. And some days he could have cared less about any of those things.
When I was about 8 or 9 I remember my mom had started to drink alot during the day. She'd be passed out by the time we got home from school and being the oldest daughter, I took it upon myself to be sure the supper got cooked, house cleaned and homework done. That way my dad would think she had done it before she went to sleep on the couch. That habit was self-imposed and made me become very much a "take-charge" person. It helps me when I serve on a committee…but hinders me when I overstep my boundaries.
My sister and I talked recently and the one memory we both share vividly is the many times my mom would wake up in the middle of the night to tell us she was leaving and driving back to Oklahoma in the morning. We were instructed to be ready to go with her or stay with him and we had just a few hours to decide. We'd lie awake and talk and cry the rest of the night, then have to get up and go to school. The next morning she had forgotten all about it and nobody left. We got fear of abandonment from those many times.
My social life was strange. I never wanted to invite friends over because I was afraid my parents would embarrass me. I seldom said yes to THEIR invitations, because I knew they'd expect me to return the favor. If I had a date, I'd pray my dad would not wander out on the porch and embarrass me. He often did that. The guys thought he was a trip, but I thought he was the most embarrassing man I ever met.
Looking back I also remember many good parts of my home. They always remembered our birthdays and Christmas. I got a car when I was 16…not a NEW one, but it was a CAR! I had a few birthday parties over the years. I always had clothes and school supplies. I had a very nice home in a nice neighborhood. I was verbally and physically abused, but never sexually abused. They sent me to college and they instilled in me a work ethic. They also insisted I go to church every Sunday, so I did have a religious background.
While in high school I rebelled at them telling me what not to do while I watched them do the very same thing. I drank and smoked cigarettes and went to a lot of parties.
During college I met my husband. I knew from the first date I wanted to marry him. So when he proposed on the third date, I said, "YES!". (But the way HE remembers it, it was I that proposed. ) My parents liked him at first and then after the wedding had been planned, country club reserved, champagne ordered, dresses bought, two showers behind us, my mom called off the wedding one night while she was drunk. For some reason she thought we did not know each other well enough to marry. I eloped the next day. She was so angry and stubborn she sent notes to everybody who had sent wedding gifts and shower gifts and told them I was already married and if they wanted their gift back she'd send it to them. She stayed that angry for 7 years. We lived in the same town and never had a meal in her home.
We were married 5 weeks after that first date, and this summer we will celebrate 35 years of marriage.
Soon after marriage I figured that my husband's drinking was much more than I had thought. There was no way I'd let my family say "WE TOLD YOU SO" so I stuck around. I was as stubborn as she was, and that kept me in a verbally and sometimes physically abusive home. Over the years I tried everything to get him to slow down or stop. I drank with him, I poured it out, I prayed, I watered it down, I talked and talked to him, I begged and cried, I threatened and tried to reason. I even dragged him to AA meetings while he was drunk. Because I thought GOD did not answer my prayers, I lost any reason to pray or believe God had time for me.
The lucky part for me was, I had a job I loved. During the house of 8 to 3 I had to be 110% alert and cheerful. So I learned to turn off what happened the night before and devote my attention to my job. I learned to function on 2 hours of sleep. I could be a kind, patient, soft speaking, teacher during the day. And if I got home and he was drunk, I'd immediately change to a raving lunatic.
I had many of the same childhood feelings...fear, guilt, people-pleasing, anger, and mistrust. The drinking got worse. One night we were checking into a rehab and the nurse looked at me and told me I had WAY TOO MUCH ANGER and I needed to get to an AlAnon meeting ASAP. I went the next night. I felt peace when I entered that room. I could barely say my name without crying. I knew those people really understood. I knew they had something I wanted. At the rehab they were telling him to get to 90 meetings in 90 days. So I did that myself. I went to many different meetings, read everything I could get my hands on, got a wonderful sponsor, started working the steps and started making other changes in my life. Divorce was not an option for me, so I decided I had to figure how to stay there and be happy. AlAnon gave me HOPE. It gave me tools. I just had to be willing to use them. He relapsed after 90 days, but I kept going to my meetings. His drinking continued and got worse. About 6 years later he went to an out-patient day treatment. That one also lasted 90 days.
Meanwhile I was growing and changing. I had found GOD again and relied on him a lot. I had started to detach from the actions and words of others. I learned to find compassion and understanding instead of hatred or anger. I learned to do things to take care of myself. I used my books and phone between meetings. I found I could be patient at home. I learned to use things like the Serenity prayer and slogans to get me thru a tough time. I learned to bite my lip and walk away when my "OLD" self would have jumped in and started trouble. I found peace and happiness.
Then I found online recovery. I still went to my face-to- face meetings, but I added on online meetings, chat and message boards. I met wonderful folks all over the world who I could talk to and they understood. I met people from both sides of the hallway who I love and admire greatly. I also helped people by sharing my experience, strength, and hope. I chaired many meetings over the years online and that service has blessed me greatly.
Then my husband had a doctor who prescribed him Lortab. He soon realized he could drink and take a handful of those and get really ripped. He got extremely moody and unpredictable. He found he could go to the emergency room and get more, so he did. He'd fall asleep at work, he'd stumble in front of trains, he'd cuss out co-worker and even tick off his boss. The drug use brought a whole new dimension to his addiction. It had me baffled. He had an accident at work, and they decided to pay for a rehab. He went to a 92 day residential rehab that was about 5 hours from us by car. This is where he really learned to work the steps and deal with his addiction. Today he has over 2 years sober and is still going to 2 or 3 meetings a week. He's not a big book thumper, but he goes to meetings. I'm very proud of him. I know what a struggle it has been.
Our life has changed. His disabilities became greater after he returned to work. They told him to go home and apply for disability. He doesn't deal with the free time well, but HE has to figure out what to do with himself. That's just not my job. I have had to learn to adjust to him being here 24 and 7. This summer I took on a second job to help me have some time away from home and make a little extra spending money.
AlAnon saved my life. It saved my marriage. It gave my serenity and life long friends. It gave me tools to change things about myself and my situation. It helped me find compassion and understanding. But the biggest blessing I got from AlAnon was a Higher Power. Because of my faith in God again, I joined a church and am very active in ministries there. I can't imagine how I survived those years I was angry with GOD. I thank GOD for AlAnon and I thank AlAnon for GOD.