I Thank God for that Program
When I entered the treatment facility in Berkeley California in 1993 I was scared to death. Since adolescence I had developed a mask and a shield designed to separate myself from the world. I come from a background of physical and sexual abuse. My mother was DD and alcohol was her drug of choice add to that the Psyche meds which at the time were limited. Valium was what they said she needed. My mom died as a direct result of this disease called addiction. She committed suicide, I tried to follow her footsteps. I was tired of living and I made a feasible attempt at taking my life. The counselor recognized this as a cry for help, intervention via 51/50 episode.
My detox was brutal. I had difficulty sleeping and my joints ached horribly. It's a miracle I was able to stay clean. The facility I entered was what is refereed to as attack therapy. I thank God for that program. Although it was not right for me. That program opened the door of possibility. After 60 days I was transferred to a Women's Program that offered a more nurturing environment. From that point my recovery began. For the first time in a long time I was given the opportunity to take an honest look at myself. I had given myself the wrong information for so long the resistance was strong, I suffered from a case of the "I Know Buts" I was a chore for my counselor, peers and sponsor. You see I was determined to do this thing with out having to trust anyone but myself. Thank my HP for putting people in my life who recognized that and told me to keep coming back. I got introduced to the 12-Step concept of recovery. I began to learn the how and why. I went to my first outside NA meeting at 90 days clean. For the first time I raised my hand as a newcomer I have felt like I have found a home and a family. I always wanted that Ward Cleaver crap as a child because TV said this is what a GOOD home is. My own family life was so chaotic you know. But when I walked in the room of NA and heard the Speaker share MY HEART said this is your home. So I kept coming back. By my third year I had become a service junkie. Working the Steps with my sponsor and getting involved with service helped formed the foundation of my recovery. At five years clean I stopped working on myself and my life became unmanageable again. Although I had not picked up a drug I found myself feeling worthless and hopeless and again I wanted to take my life. But this time instead of self-medicating with dope I called someone and they put me in touch with a therapist who helped guide me through the valley. Just because you get clean doesn't mean you are automatically going to be happy joyous and free. As my sponsor says more will be revealed and more will be required. I thought because I wasn't using drugs I was okay, but the bottom line is I was using other things like PEOPLE, GAMBLING...SHOPPING you know those things we tell ourselves is not as bad as using dope. Well I am here to tell that the feeling experienced as a result of not working on yourself and using outside stuff to fix inside pain will eventually make your life unmanageable and you will feel insane. So here I am once again getting back to basics. At this time I understand I must dig deeper. When I first got clean I worked the steps to the best of my ability, I have to continue to do that very thing and practice these principles in all of my affairs. Not just the ones other people see. So I am having some growing pains here and now and I want to thank my HP and those suffering addicts who continue on with this great fellowship. NA I owe you my life