AN AWAKING
The time has come in my life when I think I finally get it. When in the midst of all my fears and insanity I've stopped dead in my tracks and somewhere the voice inside my head cries out - ENOUGH! Enough fighting and crying or struggling to hold on. And, like a child quieting down after a blind tantrum, my sobs begin to subside, I shudder once or twice, and blink back my tears and through a mantle of wet lashes I begin to look at the world through new eyes.
I realize that it's time to stop hoping and waiting for something to change, or for happiness, safety and security to come galloping over the next horizon. I am coming to terms with the fact that you are not Prince Charming and I am not Cinderella, and that in the real world there aren't always fairy tale endings (or beginnings for that matter) and that any guarantee of "happily ever after" must begin with me. And in the process, a sense of serenity is born of acceptance. I have awakened to the fact that I am not perfect, and that not everyone will always love, appreciate or approve of who or what I am -- and that's OK. (They are entitled to their own views and opinions.) And I learn the importance of loving and championing myself, and in the process, a sense of newly found confidence is born of self-approval. I am trying to stop bitching and blaming other people for the things they did to me (or didn't do for me) and I am learning that the only thing you can really count on is the unexpected. I learn that people don't always say what they mean or mean what they say, and that not everyone will always be there for me, and that it's not always about me. So, I am learning to stand on my own and to take care of myself and in the process, a sense of safety & security is born of self-reliance.
I am trying to stop judging and pointing fingers, and begin to accept people as they are, and to overlook their shortcomings and human frailties and, in the process, a sense of peace & contentment is born of forgiveness.
I realize that much of the way I view myself and the world around me is a result of all the messages and opinions that have been ingrained into my psyche. And I begin to sift through all the crap I've been fed about how I should behave, how I should look, how much I should weigh, what I should wear, where I should shop, what I should drive, how and where I should live, what I should do for a living, who I should sleep with, who I should marry, what I should expect of marriage, the importance of having and raising children, or what I owe my parents. I am learning to open up to new worlds and different points of view. I begin reassessing and redefining who I am and needing, and I begin to discard the doctrines and values I've outgrown, or should never have bought into to begin with, and in the process, I am learning to go with my instincts.
I am learning that it is truly in giving that we receive. And that there is power and glory in creating and contributing, and I must stop maneuvering through life merely as a "consumer" looking for my next fix. I have learned that principles such as honesty and integrity are not the outdated ideals of a bygone era, but the mortar that holds together the foundation upon which I must build a life. I have learned that I don't know everything, it's not my job to save the world, and that I can't teach a pig to sing.
I've learned to distinguish between guilt and responsibility, and the importance of setting boundaries and learning to say NO. I have learned that the only cross to bear is the one I choose to carry, and that martyrs get burned at the stake. Then I learn about love. Romantic love and familial love. How to love, how much to give in love, when to stop giving, and when to walk away. I learned not to project my needs or my feelings onto a relationship. I learned that I will not be more beautiful, more intelligent, more lovable, or important because of the man on my arm or the child that bears my name.
I learned to look at relationships as they really are and not as I would have them be. I have stopped trying to control people, situations, and outcomes. I have learned that just as people grow and change, so it is with love, and I learned that I don't have the right to demand love on my terms just to make me happy. And, I learned that alone does not mean lonely. And I've looked in the mirror and come to terms with the fact that I will never be a size 5 or a perfect 10 and have stopped trying to compete with the image inside my head and agonizing over how I "stack up." I also stopped working so hard at putting my feelings aside, smoothing things over, and ignoring my needs. I've learned that feelings of entitlement are perfectly OK, and that it is my right to want things and to ask for the things that I want, and that sometimes it is necessary to make demands.
I've come to the realization that I deserve to be treated with love, kindness, sensitivity, and respect, and I will not settle for less. And I will allow only the hands of a lover who cherishes me, to glorify me with his touch, and in the process I internalize the meaning of self-respect. And I've learned that my body really is my temple. I've begun eating a balanced diet, drinking more water, and taking more time to exercise. I've learned that fatigue diminishes the spirit and can create doubt and fear, so I take more time to rest. And, just as food fuels the body, laughter fuels my soul, so I take more time to laugh and to play.
I've learned that, for the most part, in life you get what you believe you deserve, and that much of life truly is a self-fulfilling prophecy. I've learned that anything worth achieving is worth working for, and that wishing for something to happen is different from working toward making it happen. More importantly, I've learned that in order to achieve success, I need direction, discipline, and perseverance. I've also learned that no one can do it all alone and that it's OK to risk asking for help.
I am learning that the only thing I must truly fear is the great robber baron of all time, FEAR itself. I am learning to step right into and through my fears, because I know that whatever happensI can handle it, and to give in to fear is to give away the right to live life on my terms. And I'm learning to fight for my life and not to squander it living under a cloud of impending doom and wishful THINKING.
I've learned that life isn't always fair, I don't always get what I think I deserve, and that sometimes bad things happen to unsuspecting, good people. On these occasions I am trying to learn not to personalize things. I've learned that God isn't punishing me or failing to answer my prayers. It's just life happening. And I've learned to deal with evil in its most primal state -- the ego.
I've learned that negative feelings such as anger, envy, and resentment must be understood and redirected, or they will suffocate the life out of me and poison the universe that surrounds me. I have learned to admit when I am wrong and am learning to build bridges instead of walls. I've learned to be thankful and to take comfort in many of the simple things we take for granted, things that millions of people upon the earth can only dream about; a full refrigerator, clean running water, a soft warm bed, a long hot shower.
Slowly, I am beginning to take, responsibility for myself, by myself, and I am trying to make myself a promise -- to never betray myself and to never, ever settle for less than my heart's desire. And I hung a wind chime outside my window so I can listen to the wind. And I make it a point to keep smiling, to keep trusting, and to stay open to every wonderful possibility.
Finally, with courage in my heart and with God by my side, I am taking a stand, I take a deep breath, and oh, I am beginning to design the life I want to live as best as I can.